Bloodless
by newyorkbabe
Summary: The clearest I've been in a long time...Please r/r ~*~*~Thank-You Author's note up~*~*~
1. Seeing Through the Lies

Thinking...  
  
Of time  
  
It seems that every day grows longer as the years grow shorter, and I miss the preparation... It's a blur and than the change happens. And the seconds last for years, and so time is no longer truth.  
  
Thinking...  
  
Of past  
  
Those times you glance at a picture full of smiles and you wonder how long did it take the photographer to get them to smile like that? And one picture, one moment of past, can bring back so many painful memories.  
  
You want to scream, "I love you! And don't you know, you're almost gone! And I don't want it to happen, but you'll let it. And I hate you for it...I hate you for dieing!  
  
Thinking...  
  
Of faith  
  
When your heart is filled with faith, are you a better person for it? Are Christ-centered people more level-headed?  
  
Even if there is no Christ?  
  
Thinking...  
  
Of God  
  
If you're there, hear me call for you. I need you here, I need you now...right now...  
  
And the lies are truth to me. Because in the solemn flow of night, I know you're a lie. But with the sun my faith restores, or rather, I force my beliefs into my heart. And you say, "Why? Why do you force yourself to believe in a God?"  
  
Well, it's a hell of a lot easier living this lie that is God than admitting he's not.  
  
Because if I let my brain tell my heart God is not, I will break. And I can't live broken, not again. I do not have enough strength to live broken.  
  
Thinking...  
  
Of pain  
  
The pain that cuts your entire heart in two and bleeds until you are drained of the blood...the blood that you had lived by. And the God that is said to love leaves you; I've seen it happen, to myself and others. He leaves you broken. He leaves you crying into the wind and calling his name. He leaves you knowing he won't help you like he had promised you over and over...time and time again..  
  
He leaves you bloodless.  
  
NewYorkBabe  
  
A/N--- I wrote this last night around midnight. I'm sick, I have a cold and I couldn't sleep. I know I was sick, feverish, and kinda crazy..but when I woke up this morning I reread this. I think it's actually the clearest I've been in a long time. Please review. 


	2. What do you do?

What do you do  
  
When everything you've been told as truth is lies? And you start to pray for peace, but you have to stop and remember, God is not.  
  
What do you do  
  
When you've suddenly been declared empty..you finally let your guard down and your heart now knows, God is not.  
  
Every possible reaction is impossible. To cry would be crying over something that is not, to anger is becoming angry at something that is not, and to smile or laugh would be a lie, and I can't lie to myself anymore.  
  
So what do you do?  
  
I look at my Bible, the great book of lies, that rests on my desk...calling to me...this is easier than what you are trying to do...so...what do you do?  
  
I have no heart, I have no mind, I have no purpose to live, but what else is there? I look at my surroundings...there are so many people in this world. And I am one of so damn many. I have no purpose, I just simply...am.  
  
I understand the reason for Christianity. It makes people feel good to be able to say, "hey, that guy died just for me...he loves all of us and watches out for all of us and he won't ever leave us." Yeh, it feels good to say that and to truly believe it.  
  
But when you find your sister with a bullet through her head, and when you know the exact reason she did it...well, I had to back up a bit and say, "ok, God, where are you now?"  
  
And I couldn't answer that question. I needed God to answer that question, in a burning bush or something...or maybe just in my heart.  
  
I looked back at my life, looked out the window and saw all the bushes were green. I looked in my heart, but it was still empty.  
  
And I didn't have to ask why. I know why. Because God is not.  
  
My conclusion cost me my boyfriend, my two best friends, and my heart. But I'm still here. And I think I'm better off. Because I'm not serving a lie anymore.  
  
But God was my identity. And if he is not, I am not.  
  
He is not, so I am not. I just don't know where to go from here.  
  
NewYorkBabe 


	3. Thank You's Author's note

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away." -Arabian Proverb-  
  
A thank you to everyone who has reviewed, and a special thank you to:  
  
Berenwasteland: I agree, even a virtual hug does wonders. And you're right, what I really need is love. Isn't that all that most people need? *mind wanders* "All you need is love." Dundundundundundun "All you need is love" dundundundundundun "All you need is love, love, love is all ya need." -Sorry, just popped into my head. Don't blame me, blame... uh.... blame the pinecones of America!  
  
A: Don't worry, I'm not offended. I want to thank you. You are a truly remarkable person, your views on religion are amazing, and I envy you. I don't expect you, or anyone for that matter, to agree with me. Stick to what you believe and preach it. And you do that so well. Thank you for your kind words, and I'm so glad you've found a religion that you're comfortable with. That's SO important.  
  
Elaina: Thanks for understanding how difficult it can be to lean on God during this time in my life. And don't worry, I haven't completely given up on God. I'm real close, because my heart is saying it's the wrong path, but no matter what, I'll be okay. Because of people like you, who say the nicest things and boost my faith in humanity. Good for you!  
  
Mercuria: I never used to understand your religious views, but now I believe I do. It helped a whole lot to hear what you said about having a purpose in life eventually. I'd like to believe I will eventually come out of this with at least a tad bit of self-confidence. Thank you.  
  
ShatteredAngel: Your words filled my heart. I really, truly mean that. You were so right when you said that it can be difficult to address, but don't worry, you addressed it amazingly, as did everyone here. And just saying you'd give me a shoulder to cry on is worth 100 hugs. Thank you so much for that.  
  
Artesania Chaos: Yes, it is extremely hard. But never again. Never again. What you said about being devoted to one thing is so true. My belief in Christ is all I had, and than he wasn't there. So instead of having a "rock" to fall into, I fell into a huge hole. But I believe you and the other people here on ff.net have pulled me out. There was another thing you said that I really liked. "Why should something who's reality is questioned rule our lives?" It shouldn't. I learned that the hard way.  
  
Harvestboy2001: When you said you knew I used to be on fire for God, that hit hard. Because you are right. And about you thanking God for me...well, some good should come out of this whole mess. You are great at standing strong in your God, and you are the reason I have decided to rethink my departure from God. Who knows, I may thank you more than this sometime in the future. I'm blowing in the wind here, and I don't know where I'll end up yet. I'm glad you've found your solid ground, that's important.  
  
DragonRaye: I used to preach that exact same thing. "If you don't believe, you can't be helped." I did believe, I don't anymore. Thank you for wanting to help. The fact that you want to help helps more than you'll ever know. And, as far as the hug goes, please refer to the first thank you on here, Berenwasteland.  
  
K2: You are right, it was a huge decision, and being so, it is one I am rethinking. Of course, I'll probably "rethink" it for a long time. I'll be interested to find where I'll end up. You've been so great to talk to. You really do ROCK. I hope I am reinvented. I know my faith in humanity has been reinforced, mostly because of you and Java. You guys really do make my day.  
  
Ok, I guess that's it. Yep, no one else to thank. That's defiantly it.. Oh, wait, one more girl I guess I over-looked...  
  
Java: No, of course I didn't forget about YOU! You're the absolute best person on this whole damn site!!! Everything you say deserves 100 thank you's, but do to limited space: Thank you for being there for me. I hit rock bottom, and I couldn't find God. But I found you...that's the next best thing. Never Change.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I hope I haven't overlooked anyone. I really do praise the holy pinecones of America (it's a new obsession, I'll get over it..eventually..) for each and every one of you. I've been extremely selfish lately, I do realize. I'm in a rut, but I'll find a way out soon. You all have restored my faith in humanity. I really couldn't believe all the support I had from complete strangers! I was having to be careful whenever I opened my email, because most of my reviews (on chapter 2) made me cry. You guys are blessings. All of you. And, while I'm still getting out of this rut, I'd like to talk to... all of you. You ever need anything, you know my cyberaddress.  
  
Now, give yourselfs a pat on the back, because you deserve it. You All Rock!  
  
NewYorkBabe (Who is equally afraid of her obsession with American pinecones, but it gives me something to believe in. As long as I live, there will be pinecones in America. Though maybe that doesn't help so much now that I think about it....) 


End file.
